Where would I be without.... my meds?

I struggled for a long time before deciding to take the plunge and get medicated for my depression. 

I really struggled.  I just didn't know enough back then. 

I believed that I would have a bad experience because everyone else had. 

I believed that I would get addicted because I didn't understand how they worked on the brain. 

I believed that I would most likely feel like a zombie and have no control, which scared the shit out of me.

I believed I was a failure because I couldn't conquer my illness on my own anymore like I had been for so long already. 

My fear of failure was my biggest challenge to overcome.  It is such a soul destroying, limiting belief that stalls people from living a truly beautiful, inspired life. 

The only people who knew I was thinking about medication at that time was my husband, a couple of close girlfriends and a guy who I used to work with that I new was on medication himself.  He really helped me push past some of my stigmas in one friendly, open, honest email that I will forever remember as a real turning point in my thinking.  Thank you MS!

I knew I needed help.  I knew that the usual tricks weren't working anymore and something else had to be done.  But I didn't do anything until my husband really stressed how he thought I needed help... STAT!

I remember that day in the doctor's surgery well.  I love my GP, he tells is straight, always has and doesn't muck around.  He isn't quick to medicate either.  So, after much crying and straight talking, I walked out with a prescription in my hand ready to give this new therapy a go.

Bloody hell I felt awful that first week.  I felt sick, nauseous, hungover, tingly, sniffly, tired, ugh it was horrible.  BUT.  I was told I would most likely feel this way so I just waited for it to pass.  This is when alot of people stop taking it.  They think they will always feel like this, or they are reacting badly, when really it is just your body adjusting to the chemicals it is not used to having!  It can take up tosix weeks for the meds to really kick in, but you generally aren't sick for that long.

I was only sick that first week and I have been pretty lucky with my meds ever since.  I have never changed brand or type, I have only ever changed dosage. 

The day I was told I would most likely be on anti depressants for the rest of my life was devastating.  Here I was trying to get rid of chemicals and toxins from our home and food, only to find out I will have to ingest a chemical every single day for the rest of my days?!?!?    DEVASTATING....

Yet, at the same time, I felt relief.  I know the meds work for me.  I know that when I take them I don't want to die or not exist anymore, just that little bit more each day.  I know I can be a calm, rational, happy person with them. 

If I didn't have them to help  my brain get the chemical imbalance right, I don't think I would still be here.

At the very least, I would probably be divorced from my husband - I have a totally supportive, amazing husband, but there is only so much a person can take.



Image: © ISTOCKPHOTO/GARY CAVINESS



At the very worst, I would have probably gotten around to attempting suicide, not just thinking about it.  Who knows how successful I would have been if it had ever got to that point.  

The meds saved my life.

Do I feel like the meds control me?  No.
Do I feel like I am addicted?  No.  Though if by mistake I happen to miss one, I do feel pretty shit for the last part of the day, so if I ever get to go off them it will be a long and drawn out reduction!

Do I feel like a failure for having to resort to a chemical to treat my illness?  No, if anything I was strong enough to ask for the help I needed to survive my illness.  It was a huge, tough decision that I don't ever regret.  

I also know how lucky I am at the moment.  There are many depressives who have a hard time finding an anti depressant that works for them.  It can be years before the right type and dose can be found.  Even then, it may not work well for long and the search continues. 

My heart truly goes out to those suffering through this, I hope you realise how strong you are just to go through such an ordeal to begin with.

I don't deny that there are some meds out there that do more harm than good, as there are probably doctors who don't know enough themselves about what they are prescribing or are not keeping up with research into depression etc.  There are sooooo many medications on the market that it must be hard to keep up, but I believe that one should never accept adverse side affects to ANY medication, keep on trying, keep on talking.

As I hang on for the next 16 days to see if my new, lower dose will work again, I will think of those on this journey with me, hoping and praying that this time is the right one for you. 

Until then,  I wish love, light and strength for everyone.

           Mummy in Disguise
                                               xoxo