Feeling a bit....meh....

I've woken up today feeling a bit.... welll... meh...

Not even a particularly nice skinny latte before work could get me out of this funk feeling...

I have had a few months of feeling fab and I think blogging has had much
to do with this.  It keeps me honest about my thoughts and feelings, but some of it does serve as a little distraction as well.  So, to feel slightly crap, unmotivated, out of sorts, is a bit weird, but I can't help but feel that I was...... due for it. 

Q:  Who the fuck is ever "due" for round 986 of feeling crap?!?!?! 

A:  Apparently me, because it is inevitable and I deserve it... apparently...

Well, this is a an old negative thought pattern that I must get rid of ASAP - by the way I am reading Louise L. Hay's "You can heal your life" hence the idea of negative thought patterns and all that.  It is an oldie but a goodie and I do love the concept of clearing out all negative thoughts about yourself, replacing them with positive thoughts and feelings to make room for more of what you really want from life. 

You get back what you give out. 

Powerful stuff, but man it's hard work. 

Harder than I thought it would be considering how much work I have already done in counselling and therapy!

Like, you can have a thought about not being good at something, or feel like you said or did the wrong thing.  Dig a little deeper and you will get to the real problem of fear and feeling like you are not good enough - for anything/everything/anyone/everyone. 

I think this is what I have come to today.  I am going through all the negative stuff that has ever been in my head and writing it down on paper.  I am sorting through all the negative messages I have learned since I was a child and getting down to the nitty gritty of how these thoughts and messages have made me feel about myself over the years. 

The main part of the process is letting all of this go.  If you see a curvy red head wearing glasses walking around town suddenly shout "OUT!" that's me!  I think I scared the lady in the car next to me at the lights this morning, I didn't realise how loud and forceful I could be. 

There is one thought in particular that Iam having trouble letting go.  Last night at dinner with some girlfriends I mentioned how I wanted to confront the person who is the cause of such negative talk in my head so that I could get some closure on it.  However now I wake up and realise that (as even they said last night) I may never get what I want from such a confrontation.  I may not get the desired reaction or the other person may not remember the events the same way as me... what then?  I can't change them, I can only change me. 

I think wanting the confrontation is my way of dragging out letting go.  I have lived with the message that "it was all my fault" for so long now, that it is a part of my inner voice and I do have a fear of losing that part of me, even though I know letting it go will absolutely be the best thing for me. 

But then I want to tell this person that "It was never my fault.  None of it.  How could you put the blame on me when the actions were yours?"  I want to scream out "How dare you!!!"

As you can see, I have a little way to go on this, a little more work to do...   until I can wake up and no longer feel like I am "due" to feel like crap or for something bad to happen.   

I am willing to change though, despite the hard work.  The end result will be worth all the effort. 

Yours in positive energy and thoughts,

Mummy in Disguise

                                   xoxo

P.S.  One day I will tell you all my whole story... it involves people that are all still very much in my life and I want to write it in a way that is sensitive to everyone, especially the innocent parties involved.