Button pushing brings out the worst in me...

So, I gave it a go....

It has been a few weeks since going back down in dose for my antidepressants and the verdict is.... nope not working.  Total sad face...



© Chrisharvey | Stock Free Images & Dreamstime Stock Photos



I had really already decided this morning, but after a little cry with a good listener and fellow mental-case this morning, I really know what I have to do.

The last three days in particular have been BAD.  I am not myself, just stressed out, angry and loud, in a stressed out, angry yelling kind of way.

My poor, poor children. 

In my defence, they HAVE been pushing every single button I have well past the point of decency.  It's like they know....

"Mummy is totes vulnerable right now, let's kick the shit out of her!"
"Yeah! Totally!"


 

It must all start out as fun and games for them - they know what they want and they will pull out all the stops to get it, but mummy has other ideas....  which involves lots of yelling, till my voice hurt at one stage, threats, a smack on the butt for one child and bed immediately after dinner for the other.

My fuse is currently so short I detonate immediately. 



Picture her with red hair, glasses & bigger boobs and it's me!


I have been wanting to write all week too, but I couldn't get my head around it on top of everything else.  I thought I might get here on Wednesday, but there has been so much to do, not enough hours in the day, oh and don't forget all that button pushing!  I needed to write today though, I need to find some clarity so I can move forward in one piece.

So, the moral of the story is:  I just can't cope with stress and button pushers on this level of meds.  I have tried and it is not working, no matter how hard I work to stay calm, rid myself of the negative, meditate, do yoga, blah, blah, blah, it just isn't working. 


So back to the doctor I go....

I like that I tried though.  I like that now I know for sure that my brain needs the extra bit of chemically induced help, cos I can't do it on my own. 

I DON'T like, and probably will never like, that I actually need chemically induced help, buuut...I reconcile myself with the fact that they make me a better person, a better mother, a better friend, just..... BETTER. 

I can handle life and all it throws at me when the meds and dosage are working.  When they are not working though, there is no balance, no rational thought, no calm, no light at the end of the tunnel that isn't an oncoming train. 

I have caught myself before it gets any worse too... it can get soooo much worse in my head, so there is something else to be grateful for.

© Mikoo | Stock Free Images & Dreamstime Stock Photos

So, soon I will be back to my normal self.

Back to capable, coping, calm me.  Back to the loving mother who only yells as a last resort, the mummy who laughs and gives tickles and lots of kisses and cuddles...  I miss her and want her back....  better go make that appointment!





Yours on hold to the doctor,

         Mummy in Disguise

                                                xoxo