Tell me how you really feel...

Hubby is snoring on the couch - give him a break he has just finished a midnight to 7am shift!

DD is eating toast in front of the telly and DS has "gone back to bed".

I am next to DH on the lounge, lap top resting on a tray on my lap, still in my pj's...

This is our Sunday morning.  The last Sunday morning of 2012.

Still here... (pneumonia, packing & parties!)

The apocalypse came and went without so much as an awakening of higher consciousness...
Christmas breezed by without too much fuss (for a nice change) ...
New Years is looking like it is going to be huge...

Yet the lead up to these events, or lack thereof in one case, was... well I can't find one word to describe this time for my family, but we came out the other end of our mostly first world problems relatively unscathed!

My baby girl had been fighting a cough for a week or so at the end of the school term.  She is as stubborn as her mother sometimes!  She didn't have any other symptoms and it didn't sound like too bad a cough until we hit the last few days of school.  I had already booked her in for a Doctor's appointment on this last day, but she woke up feeling worse, so she didn't quite make it to school.  Hubby took her in for the last hour of the school morning tea and final parade, but she sat with him the whole time, just watching.  Normally we wouldn't have taken her in like this but as we are moving next year, we wanted to give her a chance to say good-bye to friends and teachers.

We didn't know that just over three hours later she would be on her way to the hospital in an ambulance.

DD lungs - the wispy/fuzzy bits that look like fairy floss is pneumonia

Turns our my baby girl had pneumonia. 

Did you know that pneumonia still has a 30% mortality rate?

We were at the hospital for over four hours and she was diagnosed with mild to moderate pneumonia.  Which means that she wasn't sick enough to stay at hospital (where beds are like hen's teeth), but she was sick enough to need a check up the next day.  However seeing as it was Friday evening - too late to organise a GP appointment now - there was the very real chance that she would be staying in hospital overnight.  Which would have been fine if we weren't having a garage sale the next morning, which I was looking after by myself because DH was working!  And I would have cancelled said sale, despite the ad in the paper, if we weren't moving in less than a month!

Oh what to do???!?!?  We were trying to coordinate picking up DD from hospital, having someone mind the garage sale in the morning for us, who would stay with DD overnight etc, when the Doc came in with good news - the "Nurse in the home" program had received a grant to extend their hours to include the weekend!
This meant DD could go home and would be visited by a nurse the next day, again on Sunday and on Monday we were to come back to see a Pediatrician at the hospital for another chest x-ray and check up.

Did I mention that DD was supposed to go to a few birthday parties on Friday afternoon/Saturday morning?
Yeah, nah....

Did I also mention that we were supposed to have a school friends farewell party at our place on Saturday night?  Cancelled!!!

Did I mention too that I also had a nasty cough?

I had been to the doctor a few days earlier but at that stage it was too early to tell if it was viral or bacterial.  I was given a script though, which I started taking upon learning DD might have pneumonia.  I went back to the Doctor on the Monday because unlike DD, I wasn't feeling any better.  So my doctor gave me the same treatment as Hannah, as if I too had pneumonia!  He said not to bother with the x-ray, let's just treat it like it is... which meant the super strength adult version of drugs that DD was taking!  Oh the joys!

I was given time off work too.... which was great because I had a rental in Brisbane to organise!

Life went back to relative normality after this, well as normal as it gets when you are packing and moving 2000km. Packing, Christmas (presents, parties, punch!) and official unemployment!

Yep, I finished my job on 22 December 2012.  I have handed over to a lovely lady who I was already acquainted with but wish I had gotten to know better a lot sooner!  Funny how life does that....

Unemployment felt strange at first.  I don't have my big bunch of keys that went everywhere with me anymore.  I would have been on holiday this week, so next week will be the real test of how I feel about it, but honestly right now I feel a sense of relief that it is one less thing for me to think about in the lead up to leaving Cairns.

I am no longer stressed about the move - the house is sold, we have a rental in Brisbane, the removalist is booked.  It is all about letting everything take it's course now.

Now that Christmas is over, ANOTHER thing to not have to worry about, it is all about the packing.

And the farewell.

Change of plans with that too, LMAO.  We had planned an adults only drinks at a pub in town, but DH got rostered on for work and can't swap with anyone.  So that is cancelled!  No stress though, all parties were cancelled to make way for a BIG farewell/piss up at our nearly empty house before we leave!!!

So that is why I have been MIA on the blog for the last month or so.

Tomorrow I will tell you all how I actually FEEL about all of this!  LOL

I actually have a LOT I want to share about my plans and goals for 2013.  I am so excited about the future right now, depression seems like a blip in my past.  Even as I just typed those words though, I know they aren't true, but I love when true passion and excitement crowd out everything else and your issues pale into insignificance!  Until tomorrow...

Yours ready to rock,
                            Mummy in Disguise
                                                      xox0

A Little Reminder...

I resigned from my job today.

I have given notice to the 21st December and then that it is for me and that chapter of my life!

I was going to write about how stressed I am about this whole moving 2000 km business, but then we got an offer on the house yesterday.  I now have nothing to complain about....

So in the spirit of "Thanksgiving" in the US, I thought I would remind you all about the Art of Gratitude and how it can impact your lives, especially those who may not be feeling so great at the moment or this time of year.

So how can you start to be grateful, or cultivate gratitude in your life right now?  Here are a few simple things that you can do to get you started...


- Stop to smell the roses...
Take 5 minutes to stop and notice your surroundings.  Being mindful of what you have is the first step to appreciating what you have.

- Start a journal....
Put pen to paper and list the things you are grateful for.  This is a great way to both start or end the day, but a few minutes any time throughout the day works just as well.  If you don't like lists, then just write what you feel.

- Say "Thank You"
Say Thank You to someone at least once throughout the day.  Make it sincere and meaningful, show someone you truly appreciate what they have done for you.  It could be the Barista that makes your morning coffee or the check-out chick scanning your groceries... Start simple and see how good it feels.

- Look after yourself...
I know, I know, you are trying!  It sounds so clichéd too, but self care is the best thing you can do for yourself and your family.  Eat well - ditch the sugar and processed foods.  Exercise - do what you love or just get out and walk more, preferably in nature.  Sleep well - I know this is easier said than done for some, but go to bed early for at least 8 hours sleep - don't give up!  I want to add "be happy" but this is another easier said than done when you suffer depression.  Happiness does come with being grateful though, so again, don't give up!

- Pay it forward...
Give by being nice to a stranger or random act of kindness, volunteer your time to charity, or become a positive role model through mentoring.  These actions help you give back to the community, it fosters a sense of connectedness to the community or those around you.  This can only be good right?



When you are grateful or show gratitude for all you have, you become healthier, happier and more connected.  It boosts your immunity, reduces stress and eases tension.  It inspires joy and gives you more energy (so you can sleep better at night!).

I would not be where I am today without gratitude.  I love life again, and life loves me.  I am completely grateful for all that I have and the journey I am on.  Every day gets a little bit easier, a little bit better, a little bit clearer.  I understand that for me to be the best person I can be, the best mother I can be, I have to take care of myself.  I have to show my children that I value myself by taking good care of myself - well most of the time anyway!


Happy Thanksgiving to my American friends and family out there, and any readers.  Let us all be grateful for our blessings everyday!

Yours forever thankful,

              Mummy in Disguise
                                               xoxo

Changes ahead....

No I haven't disappeared off the face of the earth.... 

I think I lost my blogging mojo there for a while... 

I often haven't had time to sit and write, and when I have had time, I honestly just didn't feel I could do it...

I have been in a pretty great headspace of late too and I didn't want to rub it in anyone's face either!  BUT I have been missing it, and not writing often enough just gets me stressed out anyway, which makes me think I just lost my mojo more than anything else.

So, as I posted on facebook the other day, we are moving to Brisbane next year!  I don't know where exactly yet, but we are working on getting down there in January and hopefully have that most important detail worked out before we leave!

The enormity of what we will be doing hit me this morning.

PMS hit me on Wednesday.

The combined forces of these two events is something I am quietly likening to Cyclone Yasi in my head.

Don't get me wrong, I am totally excited about our move and the changes ahead for my little family, but moving 2000km is a BIG deal.  Add the threat of depression getting the better of me and I am starting to doubt if I will be able to cope! 

Of course I will cope, I always do, but this morning I just got a tiny bit scared all of a sudden.  Last night I was mumzilla.  All of this has me worried. 

Could this be due to the remarkably bad PMS I am experiencing this month?  OR is it the stress of the last few weeks culminating in my meds not working properly?  Don't know, don't like it!

I haven't been great with the positive thinking and affirmations either the last few days.  It is like there just isn't space in my head for it all.  Driving in to work this morning though I realised that I needed to give myself permission to just feel what ever is it is I am feeling. 

What am I afraid of? 
What is stressing me out so much?
What am I doubting?

Feel all this and then.... let it go.  Then I got to work and until now I haven't given those feelings and questions a second thought.  Gotta love distraction!

So here I am now, bent over in pain with cramps and ovaries that feel like they are being squeezed and tugged in opposite directions.  I mentioned to a friend this morning, who is also experiencing heightened awareness of terrible PMS symptoms, that perhaps all our super clean eating has made us notice and experience the symptoms of PMS so much worse than ever before because we don't have all the processed foods and crap to mask it all and "make us feel better".  If anyone can verify this, by all means fill me in, but with lack of a better explanation, this is what I am sticking with. 

My PMS has shortened my fuse to what feels like the shortest it has ever been.  I have no patience with my children and I yelled at my son yesterday afternoon until my throat hurt.  I haven't been like that in a VERY long time and I hate it.  I scared him, and possible scarred him too.  I apologised this morning and told him I was trying to work out why mummy was feeling so upset and angry, and I promised to try harder not to yell anymore.  He just hugged me tighter. 

So again, I ask - could my sudden fear for the big move and general anger and irritation just be PMS at play here?  I guess I will have to wait until it settles before I will know for sure... 

Until then I will get back to writing, positive thinking and affirmations; and just get on with the business of selling my house and planning the move. 

Ah, I am starting to feel better already, see what writing does for me!!!

Yours affirming that my house IS sold today,

                                                 Mummy in Disguise
                                                                     xoxo

Wow, I hadn't thought of that!

Life gets in the way of this blogging business sometimes doesn't it?!

I have been off doing everyday, but important, life things like sorting out swimming, cricket and ballet for the kidlets, sorting out orders after Daintree Vanilla appeared on Landline, gardening, getting migraines...




Me with Jess Ainscough!

I have also been continuing on with my positive affirmation and wellness journey.  I attended the Bloom Women's Health & Wellness Expo in Cairns organised by my bestie; and I got to meet my hero Jessica Ainscough from The Wellness Warrior.  I also met a new hero, Kim Morrison, author of Like Chocolate for Women.  This book is amazing!  She has spurned my self-care journey onwards and upwards and it feels lovely!

I have had a few down days, but nothing too dark, just feeling off and blah...  I love waking up the next day though and realising I don't have to have another day like that... I can pull myself out of the funk because "I LOVE MYSELF AND I AM WORTH IT!" Yeah, that's right, I said it.  I've put it out there!  Not going back on that one! 

Saying the positive stuff daily is getting easier as time goes on.  I believe the things I am saying and I am truly open to receiving the things I desire and wish to manifest - absolutely happy to do so, bring it!  Hear that universe??

So, what do I write about when I don't have any "poor me" content to focus on?  This is what I have been pondering for the past week.  What to write?  Who will write?  Everyone is busy right now, with either back to school, work, having a baby... what was that about life again????

However a conversation with my dad on Monday got me thinking again about stigma and the lack of knowledge or understanding about different types of mental illness. 

So many people have a perception about a disorder or disease based on their own story.  In the case of our family, several people have bipolar which seems to have been exacerbated by their drug use, or rather misuse.

 

On Monday my father believed that bipolar was self inflicted.  He truly thought that you only got it as a side affect of drug abuse. 

Well... (deep breath here)   I calmly (I did try to remain calm as I was on the tail end of a migraine) pointed out the following:   

• what if said people in our family already had bipolar and the drugs just brought it out and made it worse? 

People often turn to drugs because of mental illness for self medication.  Mental illness then becomes part of their recovery story, but history usually shows symptoms of the illness prior to their addiction.

• how does that explain the girl I know with bipolar who hasn't done drugs?  What did she do to give herself bipolar?  'Cos you know, it's something a SAHM with two kids totally wants to add to her repertoire!

I urged my dad to go back to the books (internet) and do his research before making such scary and incorrect statements.  I love you dad but it is comments like this that fuel the stigma of mental illness.  People's lack of knowledge, either through ignorance or an unwillingness to learn, is what keeps us all in the dark about mental illness. 

It perpetuates the idea that we have control over the disease or disorder.

So, I can choose to NOT be suicidal? 
I can choose to NOT be manic, take stupid risks, spend all my money, have racing thoughts or hallucinations? 

Wow, I did not think of that!

 Personally, I can only CHOOSE not to have suicidal thoughts when I am on the right dose of meds, am eating well and taking care of myself.  It takes work to get to a point where I can decide that today I will be happy.  I am grateful now that the hard work is paying off.

Without medication and therapy, I can't make that choice.  I imagine it would only be worse for someone with bipolar whose moods can be so extreme from one minute to the next. 

Sorry Dad for picking on you for blog content(!), but I thought it was important to share this story as another step closer to understanding, acceptance and compassion surrounding all types of mental illness. 

I hope this post motivates people to get the right information.  If you know someone with a mental illness, don't assume or take on old school views.  Get out there and learn current information about their illness.  This will show you care and are trying to understand.  The effort will be appreciated.

Yours fighting the good fight,

                 Mummy in Disguise
                                                     xoxo

Here's what I am learning...

Last week I wrote about the practice of positive affirmations and how they can change your life.  Here are five things I have learnt so far about the practice of positivity and myself in the last couple of weeks.

1.  It is damned hard to stay positive.

When you have been in a place where it is so dark you can't see even a dim light of hope, being positive or saying such positive words out loud or in your head is bloody hard. 

Even when you are not in that dark place and things are pretty good at the moment, it is still hard.  I wonder if this is just me?  Or is it hard for everyone?  I wonder how much harder it would be if I was in a dark place right now, I doubt I would even try...

If there was an award or medal for resistance to change, I would get the gold for sure.  As much as I bang on about wanting to change myself, I still find ways to avoid it or procrastinate over it.  I am the ultimate self-saboteur and my conflicting mindset will to and fro between the positive affirmations I am trying to instill and the negative and limiting beliefs I have been living with for so long. 

The truth is,

"true change is never effortless and can take a great deal of commitment"  Eldon Taylor

Change means giving something up and for many of us, the beliefs we carry are so ingrained we can't see beyond them.

We so stronly believe that we are crap, life is crap, I am worthless, I am no good, it's all my fault... we struggle to see that this is just the illness talking, that in fact we are not those things and that we are actually worthy of love, success and happiness. 

Upon starting my blogging journey, I truly believed at the time that I can't help feeling the things I feel and the thoughts I think because of the imbalance of chemical in my brain.

I still think this is true, but I DO have the ability to change how I react to these thoughts.  This will never be easy, but I think it is worth the fight - I AM WORTH THE FIGHT!

Trust me, tell yourself good things about yourself and what you are worthy of often enough and you will believe it, these good things become your truth.


2. You can't always be positive, but you don't have to be negative either.

It is NOT natural to be or think positive 100% of the time.  We are human so we will feel sad, tired, stressed, whatever, some of the time.  The best thing to do is acknowledge these feelings and work out how to move on from there.

The trick is to not wallow and ruminate in our negative, sad, unexplained thoughts.  No festering thoughts.  When you catch yourself, change yourself.  It can be a simple as looking in another direction - change your view to change your mood.  Fake a smile - this really does work, the science says so!  Do the one thing that you know will help shift your focus from negative to positive in the quickest time possible.

I do all of the above in one go - turn my head, smile and tell myself that I love life and life loves me.  What ever affirmations follow on from there are a fabulous bonus. 

Positive affirmations are like a form of spiritual cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT).  CBT is all about changing the way you think - about yourself and your thoughts.  Positive affirmations are the same, but on a more spiritual level where you are putting yourself out there to trust life to support you and the path you are on to wellness, happiness and success.

I LOVE waking up happy now.  I used to wake up feeling resigned to another day of work, yelling at the kids to get ready in the morning, the routine of life.  Just the act of waking up happy and telling myself I love and I am loved seems to make everything else easier in some way. 

I feel more in control, without feeling like I am being a control freak, or over the top or having to compensate for anything...  I feel balanced.  Mind you, I have been on holiday for a week, so get back to me next week on this!!! 

3.  You DO need to practice this everyday, all day and out loud whenever possible.

If I wasn't saying good things about and to myself consistently everyday, I doubt I would be feeling this awesome, seismic shift in my mindset right now.  It just doesn't work if you don't do it everyday.  I am amazed at how disciplined I am being at this and feeling so good has a lot to do with this. 

It won't work if you don't do the work.  I wasn't doing the work before, but now that I am how can I not believe in the power of positive affirmation?

4.  Affirm in the present.

I think the real change comes when you practice in the present moment.  Saying I am... I do... Life is now....  more often than I will do..., I will be... etc.  Speaking in the latter form is like saying I "might" do something.  It comes off half hearted and like your don't believe in what you are saying.  Say it with purpose and believe it.  Life will take care of the rest.

5.  I am hooked.

I think you can tell by this post that I believe in the power and change that positive affirmations can bring to your life - to MY life! 

I also think you have to ready for it.  If you came to me several years ago with this, I would not have been so enthusiastic.  I wasn't ready to believe in it.  I needed to work on other areas first to get myself to a place where I was ready. 

The work I have done on myself to get here has created the space in my mind to give myself permission to feel better, feel worthy and feel happy.

Everything happens for a reason and while I wish I had worked harder at this earlier in my life, I can't dwell on the what ifs.
I can only look forward to a bright and happy future.



Yours embracing the change,

                                             Mummy in Disguise
                                                         xoxo

Positivity Reigns....

I am saddened and upset to wake up to the news of Jill Meagher this morning.  It is a truly upsetting development in this story when we were all holding out hope for a very different ending... (you can read her story here)

I began the week on such a high.  Our business appeared on Landline on Sunday and by that evening we were up in the Daintree, connecting with nature and getting away from the busyness of our lives.  We got away from most of our technology (we were not able to get away from all of it as we still needed the check emails for orders, especially after Landline!)  and we breathed in clean, fresh, rainforest air.

It was hot and the work of building a crossover was tiring (well, Dad and Hubby did that, I mostly watched!).  We have no mains power, only generator power and gas cooking up there.  It is not a house, but rather a deck with a caravan attached on one side, a shed turned into rooms on the other side, an outdoor kitchen and dining table on the deck with a dodgy tv and some chairs. 

Life can sometimes seem hard without the comforts of home, but it was still bliss.  There is a flushing toilet and a shower, what more does a girl need?!?! 

While up there I finished reading a book called "You can create an exceptional Life" by Louise Hay & Cheryl Richardson.  If you don't know Louise L. Hay, you should get to know her.  She is the queen of positive affirmations and has transformed the lives of thousands of people with her work.  She is an inspirational lady and still going strong in her nineties!!

I was really inspired by this book.  Even more so than reading Louise's iconic "You can heal your life."

I have been practising the art of positive affirmations ever since and I am feeling a real shift in my thinking.  I now understand why affirmations have not worked for me in the past. I lacked consistency and ACTION.

It is one thing to say an affirmation every now and then, but a completely separate and different experience to practice affirmations daily, all day, in conjunction with putting yourself in the position or place to make it a reality.  It is so much more than just saying the words and hoping for the best.  You need to be aware of the signs that Life sends you to put you on to the path of creating the change or action you desire for yourself

For example, I have been affirming:

"I am energised and motivated to move more and eat only healthy foods that nourish my body."

Yesterday I received a sample of Alkalising Greens powder in the mail from a company that I had actually requested a stevia sample from.  Hint, hint!!

I am also full of energy, whereas I am normally very tired, especially as aunty flo has come to visit.  At this time of month you normally can't move me from the couch and when I get home from a trip to the farm I usually get as far as taking the bags out of the car and leaving the rest for "later".  Not this time.  I unloaded the car AND unpacked the bags, put on a load of washing, unpacked the esky and put away all the food we came back with.  I also tidied up a little bit and took out some rubbish.  This NEVER happens!

I honestly think that the affirmations are helping change the way I think and dissolving some of those limiting beliefs floating around in my head.  I am less tired and moving my body more feels easier each day.  I gave myself time to rest while up in the Daintree, and I also started to move my body more when up there, without much motivation at all (as discussed in this post).  We all know that getting started is the hard part but once you do it gets easier to keep going.  I really had to change how I was thinking and feeling about exercise.  Doing yoga in the rainforest was so inspiring and I find myself wanting to do more each day.

My DH is a sceptic.  He doesn't come out and say he doesn't believe in it, but I can tell by his face, his eyes, his body language - all of it.  His lips may be saying, 'that's great babe!" but his body is saying " here we go again"

And I get that!

http://www.stockfreeimages.com/

I get that it may seem to him that I am off on another self help guru ride, but for me all this is just a part of the wellness journey I am on.  It started with removing chemicals from our home and food; and has flowed on from there.  I have never taken such a holistic approach to my health both inside and out before and I am enjoying the process.

I have to say, yoga in the rainforest is pretty amazing, even with March flies buzzing about trying to take a bite!    

So, while I am saddened by the events, and for Jill Meagher's family and friends, I look to my future with such a positive outlook.  All I can do is teach my children how to be safe and how to be good people. 

I feel changes within me and I embrace them wholeheartedly.  I feel like I have a whole new strategy to deal with any bad days I may have ahead.  If that is all I get from this journey, then it's Depression-0, Jackie-1!!

Yours affirming I am safe and loved,

                          Mummy in  Disguise
                                                                  xoxo

Queen of Procrastination...

I am seriously lacking in motivation at the moment.  To exercise. 

I keep taking my workout gear to work with me with a work out in mind for my lunchbreak but come 12pm, I just can't do it....

I sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo need to exercise as well.  I NEED to get off my butt and get moving. 

But I just can't bring myself to get up, get changed and go....

I need a workout partner to inspire me, any Cairns ladies wanna join me on the Esplanade at 12pm everyday?  I know it is the hottest part of the day but lunch time is really the only chance I get to work out.... 

I don't even feel like yoga at the moment.  I love yoga and how it makes me feel, so you would think I could revert to this as a back up, but nah, don't feel like it :(

It's not that I am tired or anything either.  I just don't want to do it.  Even though I really need to and even though I know I will feel better for it.  I would rather check my email, walk around the shops in town, read a magazine, or even work through lunch if required!

I am absolutely the Queen of Procrastination.  I come across as really organised, but in reality a lot of what I do is done last minute!  I do get a bit of a rush from that, getting it done just in time...  the stress from doing this is probably why I am holding on to the weight I need to lose, which exercise will help me do if only I felt the urge to get going...

I could just be lazy.  I am sure my husband thinks this sometimes!  Working out to lose 20kg requires hard work, committment and a vision of yourself 20kg slimmer.  Well, hard work is not motivating me at all and I am actually having trouble trying to visualise a slimmer me.  All I can see is my tummy.  Even when I look at skinny mini photos of myself from highschool, I just can't see myself that way now.  Not after two kids and all this yoyo dieting. 

I have friends who have been on amazing weight loss journeys and are truly inspiring to look at them, but then I get home and the thought of exercising actually makes me tired! 

Excuses, excuses I hear you all say.  Well, yes! I need help, stat!

So people, got any good motivation tips for me? 

Yours thinkin' bout getting up while lazily laying back,

                  Mummy in Disguise
                                                         xoxo

p.s.  Please no suggesting the gym or anything that will cost, we truly can't afford that at the moment!

working it out...

So, it has been a month on lower dose of meds and things are looking good!

I should not have jumped to conclusions so early about it not working, but I am glad I gave myself that extra time to see how it played out.

Normal (whatever that is!) AND grateful...

I am slowing feeling like I am getting back to normal... whatever that may be for me!!!  I actually got up early and exercised this morning - as opposed to packing stock and doing up orders!

In light of this clarity, I just wanted to take a moment to tell you a little bit about my day at Carnival on Collins on Sunday.

I am just so tired...

I am feeling a tad fragile today.

I have worked my paying job as normal last week, but with the added bonus of having to catch up from the previous week's days off sick...

I have then been up early most mornings completing orders from online sales and wholesalers, as well as completing stock for the weekend's markets...

Where would I be without.... my meds?

I struggled for a long time before deciding to take the plunge and get medicated for my depression. 

I really struggled.  I just didn't know enough back then. 

I believed that I would have a bad experience because everyone else had. 

I believed that I would get addicted because I didn't understand how they worked on the brain. 

Bugger off flu...

So it appears that I needed more than a mental health day this week....  I needed three days off work sick with the flu...

© Chrisharvey | Stock Free Images & Dreamstime Stock Photos

It has done the rounds in my family as I am sure
it has yours!  DH was off last week throwing his

Button pushing brings out the worst in me...

So, I gave it a go....

It has been a few weeks since going back down in dose for my antidepressants and the verdict is.... nope not working.  Total sad face...



© Chrisharvey | Stock Free Images & Dreamstime Stock Photos



I had really already decided this morning, but after a little cry with a good listener and fellow mental-case this morning, I really know what I have to do.

The last three days in particular have been BAD.  I am not myself, just stressed out, angry and loud, in a stressed out, angry yelling kind of way.

My poor, poor children. 

In my defence, they HAVE been pushing every single button I have well past the point of decency.  It's like they know....

"Mummy is totes vulnerable right now, let's kick the shit out of her!"
"Yeah! Totally!"


 

It must all start out as fun and games for them - they know what they want and they will pull out all the stops to get it, but mummy has other ideas....  which involves lots of yelling, till my voice hurt at one stage, threats, a smack on the butt for one child and bed immediately after dinner for the other.

My fuse is currently so short I detonate immediately. 



Picture her with red hair, glasses & bigger boobs and it's me!


I have been wanting to write all week too, but I couldn't get my head around it on top of everything else.  I thought I might get here on Wednesday, but there has been so much to do, not enough hours in the day, oh and don't forget all that button pushing!  I needed to write today though, I need to find some clarity so I can move forward in one piece.

So, the moral of the story is:  I just can't cope with stress and button pushers on this level of meds.  I have tried and it is not working, no matter how hard I work to stay calm, rid myself of the negative, meditate, do yoga, blah, blah, blah, it just isn't working. 


So back to the doctor I go....

I like that I tried though.  I like that now I know for sure that my brain needs the extra bit of chemically induced help, cos I can't do it on my own. 

I DON'T like, and probably will never like, that I actually need chemically induced help, buuut...I reconcile myself with the fact that they make me a better person, a better mother, a better friend, just..... BETTER. 

I can handle life and all it throws at me when the meds and dosage are working.  When they are not working though, there is no balance, no rational thought, no calm, no light at the end of the tunnel that isn't an oncoming train. 

I have caught myself before it gets any worse too... it can get soooo much worse in my head, so there is something else to be grateful for.

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So, soon I will be back to my normal self.

Back to capable, coping, calm me.  Back to the loving mother who only yells as a last resort, the mummy who laughs and gives tickles and lots of kisses and cuddles...  I miss her and want her back....  better go make that appointment!





Yours on hold to the doctor,

         Mummy in Disguise

                                                xoxo

Art of Gratitude... stats shmats!

It appears that people really like reading about when I feel like crap more than when I am feeling good!  I probably should have expected this, but you know what - tough titties!

Update, Food & Mood, cool news....

I have soooo much to share with you today, so get comfortable with a warm cuppa before reading on....



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  Ready? ........

So, I will start with my awesome weekend, which also ties in a bit to Food & Mood....  hope this all makes sense!

I had the absolute pleasure of attending the Chemical Free Kids

Art of Gratitude...how bout the weather...

Sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows

Everything that's wonderful is what I feel when we're together....

All together now...da, da, da-da da da....
(those who know me well will know that I am dancing in my seat as I type this, hehehe!)

Feeling a bit....meh....

I've woken up today feeling a bit.... welll... meh...

Not even a particularly nice skinny latte before work could get me out of this funk feeling...

I have had a few months of feeling fab and I think blogging has had much

Food & Mood: Can alcohol help depression?

Oh dear, it is not looking good for my good friend Vino...


I wish I could find good things to say about mixing alcohol and depression, but frankly, there is nothing out there I can spin to make the response the one we are all looking for!

Art of Gratitude...all the talented, crafty ones out there!

Just as I have changed Food & Mood Monday to Tuesday, I am going to change Thankful Thursdays over to Art of Gratitude - I now wish to be grateful whenever the feeling pleases me! 

So.....
now that we have an official diagnosis for my DS of ADD and I have realised that I am going to have to be more oganised and structured than I ever was before.

Seriously. So. Organised.

Food & Mood: Coffee... it makes ME happy!



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Coffee.

Mmmmmm, coffee.

Does it help or hinder our depression?  Do we really care when it comes to.....mmmmmmm coffee...?

Thankful Thurday...making progress!

Although these posts don’t get read as much as the others on my blog, this has become one of my favourite days of the week!  Personally I get to think about my week and be grateful for my blessings – it’s fabulous therapy for me!  It keeps me grounded and reminds me to keep working on myself so that I don’t slip back into the hole….

Leibster Award

The lovely Claudia from Little Cottage Big Life tagged me yesterday for a Leibster Award!  Being fairly new to the blogging world, I had read something about it somewhere once before but I didn't know what was involved, until I was tagged. 

Food and Mood Monday - Magnesium me baby!

Little ol' magnesium.  Until doing research for this post, I had no idea how much of a role it actually played within our bodies and the impact it has on our overall health.

Magnesium is the fourth most abundant mineral in the body following sodium, potassium and calcium.  I get

Thankful Thursday..... things happen for a reason

I have always been of the belief that things happen for a reason.  You meet the people you are meant to meet and they either help you on your journey, or you help them.  Some of these people become lifelong friends, part time friends or one off meetings; and we often don't realise there was significance to the meeting until much later.

That black hole...

Overall life is good and my head is generally in a good place, but....

There is always this hole, a void inside of me and I feel like I might just fall right in at any time.

I do feel happy.

Food for Mood Monday.... Seriously serotonin!

So, last week I talked a bit about vitamin B and how it can improve your mood.  This week I wanted to take a closer look at serotonin and what foods can not only boost your serotonin levels, but stimulate the ongoing production of it, which is what we are really chasing in the fight against low moods and depression....

My rollercoaster ride...

After so many posts about mental health wellness and gratitude, I thought I would go a little personal today. 

I guess over the past few weeks, I didn't feel like I could go too personal on here as I was feeling some head spinny-close to the edge, might implode any minute kinda feelings that I couldn't really explain at the time.

Food & Mood Monday... how can this B?

The whole point of this series is to talk about how food affects our mood and what positive things we can do to aid this process.  Well, I started out by talking about things you should NOT ingest, but today I want to focus on good things you should eat to help you out - and there is so much I wasn't really sure where to start that wasn't going to overwhelm both you and me!

After searching for info on food mood lifters, I found this list:

Thankful Thursday - slowing down...

I NEED to slow down!  I also know that the universe has been sending me little covert messages that it is time to take a break, most of which I have ignored, but the time has come for me to give in because I feel like crap.

My head is swimming with information, even though I am writing things down and making lists.  I am tired and forgetful and suffering bad headaches come night time.  Oh, and I am having extreme neck, back and shoulder pain either because of how I slept one night or stress or a combination of both!

My sister-in-law started giving me a massage on Sunday and in her words my shoulders were like rocks!

For the past few weeks, I have either met someone new, had a conversation with someone or found myself in a situation that made me realise I was not heading in the right direction.  Thank you dear Universe for putting these people and situations in my path to help me see where I was really heading - one great big, devasting fall...:(

On Tuesday I had the BEST massage I have had in a long time - btw, every massage I have is the best massage I have had in a long time because it is usually a long time between said massages!

This helped me relax a bit, which is a good start.  I have also gotten some good sleep since the massage because my neck and shoulders aren't in as much pain as they have been the last few weeks!

The Universe, God, Fate, Destiny - whatever you want to call it according to your own personal belief system, is wonderful at sending us signs - we just need to be open to receiving them.  Thankfully I finally opened my eye...

Your in eternal gratitude,

Mummy in Disguise
                                xoxo

Mental Wellnes Tip #2

Get Plenty of Sleep!

Besides exercising (avoiding this one for several reasons!) and eating well, it ’s important to get a good nights sleep, preferably eight hours of un-interrupted sleep.  Sleep is a universal prerequisite to health and happiness. If you are experiencing problems with sleeping, you should seek help.  There are all kinds of simple strategies to help you sleep better: 

© Suti | Stock Free Images & Dreamstime Stock Photos

 

• Make the room darker
• Have a sleep cue or sleep routine
  
• Cut back on caffiene, especially in the afternoon & evening
• Limit Alcohol (don't use it to put you to sleep!)
• Stop trying - relax and try not to  force it
• Reduce your daytime stress and anxiety

Some of these sound easier said than done when in the middle of a major depressive episode, but if you are aware enough of what is happening, then you should be able to do something about it. I wish I could say I was good at this tip, but I am not.  I avoid sleep when I actually need it most.  Which in turn usually sets me up for a fall.  There are times when I can catch myself before it gets bad, but there are times when it is too late....  This is something I am always working on...

Eternally sleepy,

Mummy In Disguise

                                 xoxo

Food for Mood Monday - but late on Tuesday, wait no!! Wednesday!

Aspartame, the evil artificial?

So sorry this is late my friends, I have had more than a little going on this week, well since Friday really and to top it off I think I am coming down with something but I am too scared to stop cos then I think I really WILL get sick!! 

Now I hope I wasn't too preachy about sugar last week, but I can't resist following Sugar up with artificial sweeteners, in particular Aspartame.

There has been A LOT of controversy surrounding Asapartame since the1980's.  As with all foods,

Thankful Thursday...the people around us!

Hello My friends, it's another Thankful Thursday!

I have always been of the opinion that you should surround yourself with people who will help you grow and be the best version of you.  Of course, not everyone in your life can meet this

Mental Wellness Tip #1

No, I won't start with exercise...

Get out into nature!



© Scootz | Stock Free Images & Dreamstime Stock Photos



There is evidence to show that when you get out into contact with nature, whether it be a pet,

New Series: Food for Mood Monday

"Let your Foods be your medicines, and your medicines your food." Hippocrates c.460 - 377 BC Father of Modern Medicine

Sweet, Sweet Sugar...  

Welcome to the first in the series of Food for Mood Monday.  This is a long one so go get a coffee before you get comfy!

I've said before that there is a direct link between sugar and depression.  After some further research, I think I will reword this to there is a direct link between Mood and blood sugar balance.  However people with depression are especially vulnerable to sugar's evil power.

Let's face it, sugar yeilds quite a strong power over us.  All the good stuff is loaded with sugar - cake, ice cream, custard, tim tams, snakes, red skins... you get my drift!  

Let us give thanks!

Hi all!  I am a little late today, but still as thankful as ever :)

As the clock slowly approached knock off time at work this afternoon I realised that I had forgotten where I had parked my car today - fa-reak out!!!  Was a parking ticket awaiting me on my windscreen?  Would I

Fraud Alert!

Something that has always come up in my sessions either with my GP, counsellor or psychologist has been how much I feel like a fraud.  When I am feeling quite low, I just always feel like a fraud, like I am looking back at someone else, not me, getting things done, achieving...

Can anyone else relate?

Despite the crazy bits...

It's another Thankful Thursday my friends and I can't wait to tell you about my gratitude this week!

It's light and lovely, a little bit cheesy with a dash of frustration and ride in a lift thrown in....

This week I am thankful for (drum roll please!) all of yesterday!  Yes folks, Wednesday - and all that was in it!

Snap Out of it!

"He needs to just snap out of it and get his shit together!  We've all got problems..." She said.

"Well...." pause to gather thoughts, "well, if it is depression he is struggling with, then it isn't that easy..." I said.

"I've got to wonder about that.  He won't help himself, he just keeps going back to the same problem.  I mean, pu-leaze just pull yourself together already."  She finished. 

I just looked back at her in shock.  What, was she looking for me to agree with her?   

Thankfully I didn't have a chance to find out because we were then interrupted by another customer wanting to buy something I didn't have in stock.

What a week...

So this week, I was going to write about the things people say to people with depression....  you know like the ever helpful "Snap out of it!"  You get my point! 

Anyway, all that has gone out the window this week, as did my usual "Thankful Thursday" post...

I will start with "Thankful Thursday".  I have been wracking my brain since yesterday morning and I couldn't think of one single thing I was grateful for this week.  I have had a hard week, I feel completely drained but I still feel blessed (most of the time!) with the life that I have.  There is always something to be grateful for,

Thankful Thursday: Ode to the library....

This week I am grateful for the library.  I am sure I have mentioned that I love to read actual books - I haven't quite gotten into the Kindle / I Pad thing yet - mostly 'cos we just can't afford one at the moment! 

Anyway, the main library in our town is across the road from my work.  I go online and reserve the books that I want to read and pick them up from here when they are ready.

On the flip side...

To follow on from my post about Suicide and Suicidal thoughts last week, I thought I would write a little bit about the other side of the story.  You know.... the story from the perspective of the other people in your life. 

Now, I will eventually get someone from that side to of the issue to write for us all, to get a true perspective of this, but I wanted to share a story with you that became a real turning point for me....

I mentioned last week how I know that I don't really want to die, there are just thoughts in my head that

Thankful Thursday!

Morning Mummies and friends, it's Thankful Thursday time!!


There is so much to be grateful for but today I am particularly grateful for the gift of courage.

I agonised over writing my last post and very nearly did not hit the publish button.  I am so glad I did because I feel like a weight has been lifted and I can move on from it now.

Warning! Sensitive subject matter ahead.

The hardest post so far....

I have been wrangling with this post for a little while now.  I knew I would have to write it eventually, as it is a big part of my story so far and... well.... as tough as it is to discuss, which I haven't even done with many of my closest friends, I did promise to myself to share ALL of my experiences with this illness.

So, if you haven't guessed by now, I am talking about suicide.  So, as a warning before you continue reading, the following talks about the very sensitive topic of suicide and suicidal thoughts. 

Self Help Guru!

What am I looking for? ....

I've always been into self help - books, audio, classes, you name it.  I am big on learning and big on improving myself.  Especially when I always secretly thought that learning to become anyone else had to better than the person I am now...

I know I am not the only one out there that reads up on this sort of stuff.  C'mon, you can tell me.... 

The thing is, I didn't really have a plan about what I wanted to learn about and how I was going to implement these changes.   Then no sooner had I read one book, had I moved on to another with differing styles and ideas about self improvement. So I have all this info in my head and absolutely no motivation to use it at all....  


I am suffering from Self-help overload.  There is too much info, too many conflicting strategies and too much to change (IMHO) to even bother.... 

BUT, I have had an epiphany.  Wish I'd had it sooner, I may have saved myself a lot of heart ache!  Oh well, water under the bridge.....

So epiphany - right!  I need to KEEP IS SIMPLE STUPID!  Most people know the KISS method or have at least heard a manager say it at some point in their working life.  Well there is no reason it can't be applied to my real life.

I am always so busy doing a million little things for the kids, hubby, school, work, the business, other people, that life has become complicated.  Complication = stress.  Stress = overeating, lack of motivation, exercise, weight gain which sends me into a spiral in to the depths of darkness.
So, now with a renewed vigour and clarity I haven't had for a while, I have decided to focus my efforts on the main areas I need to work on; and keeping it simple with how I make changes:

• my stress levels and ability to cope with stress
• my diet
• exercise levels

I could include my sanity in general in the above short list, but there is more than one action to achieve relief from depression and everything on this list plus writing and regular visits to my doctors, will be the source of my hopeful success!

So.......

1.  Stress Levels

We all have to deal with stress.  I used to thrive on stressful situations and I used to cope very well in such situations.  I became the queen of last minute because I thought that the stress of meeting that deadline helped me to produce better work.  WRONG!

© Graphicphoto | Stock Free Images & Dreamstime Stock Photos

I now know that ongoing stress only sends me into a downward spiral to depression that lasts longer and longer each time I pay that place a visit.  Oh and let's not forget the emotional eating to ease the pain and forget about exercise, I am too damn tired honey!  Oh hello spare tyre, where did you come from?  NB this sentence should be read with extreme sarcasm!

So, how to ease my stresses? I have decided to give more time to deeper, more focused meditation.  I have played around with it a bit here and there, but I have trouble concentrating or sitting still for long periods unless I am reading a fantastic book but I have found a few websites and audios that I want to try out.  I will keep you posted about my success (or failure!) in this area. 

2.  My Diet.

We already eat a very low additive diet in our house and I am gluten intolerant.  So major changes had already been made in the last two years, but this does not guarantee weight loss.  Portion control is my nemesis.  I have 20kg to lose and I am a total yo-yo dieter.  I have lost weight before but it always creeps back on and I hit the heaviest I have ever been at the beginning of this year.  I set some pretty unrealistic goals which put pressure and stress on myself - see above about stress!

I recently read David Gillespie's "Sweet Poison - How Sugar is making you fat."  This book was such an eye opener for this yo-yo dieter - OMG!! 

So, I have cut out all processed sugars and any fruits/foods with excess fructose in it.  Now, it is my daughter's birthday on Saturday, followed by Mother's Day on Sunday, so I may allow myself some cake this weekend - the trick is to stop after one piece! 
To say this revelation is exciting is hardly adequate.  Since embarking on this, I am losing weight slowly and I feel like I have done nothing!  What amazes me most is that I am not craving food all the time like I used to.  I would constantly want to eat the house down.  It seemed like I was hungry or needed to eat ALL THE TIME.  Well I crave no more.  Will keep you posted on this one too.

3.  Exercise Levels

© Danabeth555 | Stock Free Images & Dreamstime Stock Photos

I am not new to exercise.  I have danced, I have done the gym thing, I have walked a shit load and I love Zumba and I love Yoga. 

I want to get back into Yoga a lot more because I love how I feel after a class, so I have downloaded audio classes onto my MP3 from Yoga Download and aim to get in 3 classes a week. 

Then I just gotta keep moving more than I am, as in 10,000 steps a day style moving.  I don't think my current busy life can add too much more at this stage without inducing more stress so I will see how this goes for mow. 

So these are my goals for the rest of this year.  I will keep you posted on my progress and any other interesting bits of info I might find on the meditation and sugar thing in particular. 

I just want to stress that this blog isn't about my weight loss journey, but loosing weight and eating a healthy balanced diet, with the right fats, good lean protein and complex carbs should be part of anyone's therapy for depression.  You can't expect to feel good about yourself when you are stuffing your face full of greasy deep fried foods and cakes all the time.  This takes work, but from experience, it will be worth it in the end.  I just have to work on staying 20kg lighter forever, which by the way is the weight where I always had just another 5kgs to lose!!  I will never be the stick I used to be in high school!!!

Yours in blissful mindfulness,

Mummy in Disguise

                                     oxoxoxo

ps If you want to look at ways you can change your life and diet combined, I highly recommend reading Changing Habits by Cyndi O'Meara. We implemented alot of these common sense habits way back when we started to go low additive.  You may already be doing some of them now!