That black hole...

Overall life is good and my head is generally in a good place, but....

There is always this hole, a void inside of me and I feel like I might just fall right in at any time.

I do feel happy.

I feel really content with my life.
I don't feel as stressed as I normally do, well I don't think I am anyway.
I AM pretty tired - alot - but not much you can do about hormones!
Most of all though, my head feels clear, not clouded and not full of information swirling around to confuse and muddle me.

Yet still, that hole is there.  It's there in the background, silently waiting to catch me the next time I fall. 

So why, if I feel good, is it still there? 
Does it mean that my happiness and contentment is not real?
Does it mean that all I have to look forward to is another visit to the black hole?

It really bugs me because I don't want to live my life waiting for the next down turn.  I want to live as if I will never have another depressive episode again in my life, that I can manage my symptoms and deal with sad life moments as they come and go, but it doesn't mean I have to be depressed ever again....  Why can't this be my truth? 

I was driving to work this morning thinking about how nice things were right now, despite being so busy and on the verge of finding out what learning difficulties my DS may possess.  I have figured out what I want to do with myself post current business and I am excited by this.  DH is kicking butt in his course and I am excited by his future in his new industry.

Then I thought about work today and how I wanted it to be (a very good visual exercise to start the day) and I was thinking about one of my Directors that I would see today.  I wanted to wish him luck for some medical tests he was due for and I thought about how it would feel for him to get good news. 

Then I thought about death.  Very matter of factly I thought about how I still wanted to be dead.  Not today of course, right now things are lovely.  BUT I thought quite simply that I wanted to be dead and I didn't feel sad about it.  At this point feel free to picture black arms reaching out from a black hole, reaching out to pull me in.

BUT then I thought of my beautiful family and how content I was right now.  I thought of our plans for the future and the exciting things we will do together.  I thought about my son and how much he needs me right now. 

These thoughts brought me back to my reality away from all thoughts of death.  I have so much to live and fight for.

I know that I will live with this condition for the rest of my life.  I know that I have to take meds and take good care of myself to make sure that the happy and contented times of my life outnumber the sad, depressed times.  The black hole is always there for now, but I do live in hope that one day it will be gone forever. 

Without hope, there is not much else.  

So, I am going to enjoy this time of contentment and make the most of my good headspace.  I will continue to live a life of gratitude and mindfulness and I will look after myself.  These are the things that keep me out of the hole. 

I will also start telling the hole to piss off 'cos I ain't going there again. 
I will keep telling to to go until the day it does! 

Yours in love & hope,

Mummy in Disguise
                                    xoxo