On the flip side...

To follow on from my post about Suicide and Suicidal thoughts last week, I thought I would write a little bit about the other side of the story.  You know.... the story from the perspective of the other people in your life. 

Now, I will eventually get someone from that side to of the issue to write for us all, to get a true perspective of this, but I wanted to share a story with you that became a real turning point for me....

I mentioned last week how I know that I don't really want to die, there are just thoughts in my head that
sometimes take over and make me feel like there is no other option.  However, if you have ever been left behind after a suicide, then you know all too well how such an event impacts on those left behind.
When catching up with a few girlfriends late last year, a beautiful friend told me about her mother's suicide when she was in her early twenties.  We had been talking a little bit about my depression and how she could see right through my facade where others couldn't.  Then she went on to tell us the very emotional story of her mother.  I saw and heard so many emotions during the telling of that story. 

I heard her ask why, how could anyone get to a point so low that they see death as their only option out?  Even when there is so much help available these days???

So, there I was trying to explain how her mum might have been feeling to take such a drastic step in ending her life, until I saw the pain and anger etched in her face. 

After all these years, my beautiful friend was still hurting from this experience.  She had lost her mum.  She had been robbed of her mum.  My friend didn't have her mother at her wedding.  Her mother was not there for the birth of her daughter.  She could not turn to her mother for advice or comfort for normal, everyday life events, that we all take for granted if our parents are still around.

I needed to just listen to my friend.  I needed to hear how this had changed her life.  I needed to hear how angry she still was at her mother, but also how she missed her and loved her.

Wow, what a moment....  There were tears and there were hugs. 

My eyes were so wide open now. 

I realised that this would NEVER ever be just about me and my pain.  How could I even CONSIDER inflicting this sort of pain on my own children?  On my family?  Leaving your family with the consequences of your death would be more of a burden.  You would be gone, but your partner, children, mother or father, they would still be here having to deal with the gamut of emotions that come with such a act.  Don't for one second think that they would feel happy that you would be at peace now.  That might come one day later on, but the pain of your loss far out weighs this....

So thank you my beautiful friend for opening my eyes.... I am so lucky to have met you.  Thank you for sharing your story with me at a time when I needed to hear it most.  I hope now that I can help someone else realise that what they are thinking...considering... are just thoughts.  Just because you think it, does not mean you have to do it.  Just because you think it does not mean you want to do it.

Yours with eyes wide open,

Mummy in Disguise
                              xoxo