Warning! Sensitive subject matter ahead.

The hardest post so far....

I have been wrangling with this post for a little while now.  I knew I would have to write it eventually, as it is a big part of my story so far and... well.... as tough as it is to discuss, which I haven't even done with many of my closest friends, I did promise to myself to share ALL of my experiences with this illness.

So, if you haven't guessed by now, I am talking about suicide.  So, as a warning before you continue reading, the following talks about the very sensitive topic of suicide and suicidal thoughts. 




I have never tried to commit suicide.   

BUT...

I have thought about not being here, in this life, anymore.  I have WANTED to not be here, in this life, anymore. 

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I haven't thought much about how I would go about not being here, as in how I would take my own life, except for the odd occasion of imaging driving into the oncoming truck on my way home.  I thought about how it would feel, would I die instantly or slowly?  Would I feel any pain?  Well it couldn't possibly be worse than this!!  Then I would feel guilt and sadness for thinking such crazy thoughts and I would think about my children and shake it off. 

Last year I read the book "Nineteen Minutes" by Jodi Picoult.  Without giving too much of the story away, a female lead character was planning her own suicide by saving up sleeping pills and hiding them in her bathroom. Even though this is apparently the most popular method of choice for women, I can't imagine dying like this, it kinda freaks me out.  Even so, I did get my DH to get rid of the sleeping pills I had left over from an earlier bout of not being able to sleep.  At the time I was scared of what I would do if I couldn't shake off those horrible thoughts....

Yes, I was in a dark place. 
Yes, things were hard and stressed at home because of my moods and everything else we've got going on. 
Yes, my rational side would argue with my sick side in my head about wanting it to end BUT my rational side always won in the end. 

BECAUSE: no matter how much I thought I wanted to die, I didn't really want to die. 

I honestly feel like I will never act on those thoughts because ultimately they are just thoughts.  I don't really want to leave my husband and children and family and friends.  I DO want to get rid of the pain and darkness and sadness and crazy thoughts swirling around in my head, but I really just want that to end so that I can get on with living my life in a state of enjoyment rather than suffering. 

I don't have these thoughts constantly, they just pop into my head every now and then.  Like, when I was driving, or just vegging in front of the TV.  I would also get them alot at night while I was tossing and turning trying to go to sleep.  That is usually the hardest part of the day for me when I am going through a rough patch.

I end up avoiding going to bed when I should, waiting until I am so exhausted and end up going to bed really late and getting less sleep than I need.  Then I wake up tired and confuse this tiredness with feelings of being useless and worthless and stupid for going to bed so late when I should know better....gotta love that cycle...

Admitting it is scary...

© Budda | Stock Free Images & Dreamstime Stock Photos

The first time I admitted to my husband that I was thinking "wouldn't it be better if I wasn't here anymore?" I cried and cried.  The kind of sobbing that involves your whole body, snot running, wailing sounds; the lot.  He cried too from memory and I think that most of all he felt helpless as to how to help me.  He just held me. 

To be honest, telling him gave me some relief for a little while.  We were both exhausted afterwards and slept pretty well that night but I haven't told him when I have felt or thought it again. That was a few years ago and if I say anything now I just casually mention having some pretty dark thoughts and leave it at that.  I don't think I can put him through that againt.  I do talk to him about feeling down and needing help when I need it - I have learnt that is the best thing I can do for all of us.

I have only recently told my doctor and therapist that I have had these thoughts too.  I have never wanted to admit them to ANYONE else because that would make it all too real.  Their reactions were not as I expected, but in a good way.  They were both understanding yet very practical about it. They didn't bang on about action plans or make any dramatic revelations etc.  I am not sure what I expected to be honest, but I think accepting the significance of the thoughts while not making a huge deal about them feel like an empty threat somehow.

I still get those "pop in" thoughts in my head, but they are much less frequent now.  I accept the thought and then realise that I don't take it so seriously anymore.  It doesn't have the same impact as it used to.  I think this is a combination of my increased dosage in meds this year and a bit of Acceptance Committment Therapy techniques in play.

For my friends learning this about me for the first time - I AM OK.  I promise.  I haven't had such thoughts in a while because things have turned a corner and I am feeling pretty good, despite some continued health woes.  However I am looking after myself and this makes a HUGE difference in my mental state. 

I accept that I will probably have similar thoughts again in the future - another "pop in".  I can only wait and see what the future holds but I aim to keep taking care of myself.  Hopefully doing so will keep them at bay.

Yours in all honesty,

Mummy in Disguise

                           xoxo

IMPORTANT NOTE:

If you are feeling suicidal, it is important you seek help and keep yourself safe. A family member, teacher, doctor or psychologist may be a good first step.  

Try to remember that thoughts about taking your life are just thoughts. They do not mean you have to act on them, no matter how overwhelming they are or how often you have them. They also don't mean that you will always have those thoughts.

If you know someone is having suicidal thoughts, encourage them to seek help. Let them know that if you think they will hurt themself then you will have to tell someone. If they are scared about telling someone else you can offer to go with them for support.