Me & My Disguise...

Welcome to Mummy in Disguise, a page where I talk openly about my life with depression and share my journey with whoever would like to come along for the ride!

Last year I started a blog called Gluten Free Learner but sadly I didn't get past the first post!  While this was a great topic for me to write about being newly diagnosed as gluten intolerant, the information was overwhelming for me to process, let alone write about.  I also had so many other things going on my life at the time that it was decided for me by the universe that it really wasn't the right time and topic for me to blog about. I rushed into blogging without a plan or any knowledge about what I was doing and bombed! 

I didn't stop thinking about writing or blogging though...I just had to find the right topic...something I already knew about or experienced often... something I am already writing about personally perhaps?

I have been living with depression since I was roughly 18 years old.  I am now 35 and while I appear to most to be a highly functioning, competant, happy-go-lucky, contributing member of society, I have actually hidden my illness from most people in my life, bar a select few.  It is only recently that I have started being more vocal about my illness and as I thought more about what I would or could really write about online, I realised that it was my illness that I was most "expert" in.

So why "Mummy in Disguise"?

Well, firstly I am a mum.  Secondly, hiding my illness has always felt like I was wearing a mask to cover up the sadness; like I was in "disguise" to maintain the personality that I felt was expected of me.

Now, the happy part of my personality is not fake, I just didn't feel that I could ever really show the true depths of my sadness and darkness, especially as I couldn't really explain why I felt so depressed and overwhelmed with life.  Also, I don't ALWAYS feel this way, I am able to feel and experience truly happy moments in my life.  I don't spend days in bed unable to face the world, unable to function - I don't fit into that category.  

When I put on that disguise though, I do so somewhat as a form of survival and also as a way of avoiding those feelings.

Copyright © Paulus Rusyanto (FreePictures.me)

I don't have time to be depressed, especially now with children!  I have always had too much to do, too many expectations to fill and too much pressure on myself to be the fun, happy, capable and reliable person I have always been.

I didn't keep my illness a total secret, but I didn't shout it from the roof tops either, and I certainly didn't reveal the extent to which I was depressed.  I had cultivated this disguise and I was keeping up appearances.  I also felt I would be a failure to admit to everyone that I wasn't coping, that I needed help.  I am the girl that can fix other people's problems, why can't I fix my own? 

Well now it is time to admit to the disguise.  My closest friends know that I have depression.  Some are shocked about the extent of my sadness.  Others will be shocked by this revelation full stop. 

Most now accept and try to understand, but I still have a way to go with MYSELF. 

I hope my blog can be a place for people to come and talk about their depression openly and honestly.  This is never an easy road for anyone to travel, but supporting each other can make it easier for some people and even if I can help one other person along the way, then writing about my journey so publicly will definitely be worth it.  

I also want to bust through the stigma and labels surrounding people with depression and mental illness, which is why so many of us wear masks in the first place.  If we can get people talking about all the different types of depression and how it doesn't discriminate, how it can affect anyone at any time, then hopefully we can create a more accepting and understanding society where we can feel safe to live with our illness without fear of judgement or intolerance.  I hope we can at least try.     

Thanks for reading,

Mummy in Disguise 
                             xoxo

P.S:  If you are one of the many that suffer from depression in it's various forms, or know of someone that is suffering, please feel free to follow my blog and share your story.  I will do my best to weed out the trolls - sadly there are always trolls about.  The best thing we can do is ignore those comments and not take them personally - god bless the delete button:)

For more information or help with counselling, please contact any one of these organisations:
Lifeline
Beyond Blue
Sane Australia