Mummy's sad....

My biggest fear, besides drowning or being the victim of a tidal wave (don't ask!) is that I will pass my genetic predisposition to depression on to my children.  There is much mental illness in my family so saying "My family is crazy" could actually apply, but that is for a post all on it's own (much love to my funny, gorgeous family xoxoxo).

Image: David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I vaguely remember times when I have been so down and distracted with all the crap going on in my head that I would snap so forcefully at the kids and my husband for the tiniest, most insignificant thing, that the kids would recoil in fear.  This would break my heart but not enough to snap me out of it.  I was so angry that I would just YELL and YELL all the time.  The kids didn't understand and I don't know if my hubby has ever told them anything to explain my behaviour, but nothing can ever excuse it, not even depression.  I felt like the worst mother in the world.   

I can get pretty distracted at these times too, that roles reverse.  Every parent knows the annoyance of repeating yourself over and over to get a child to do the simplest thing.  Well the kids would be asking me a question and mentally I was somewhere else completely.  They would keep asking, over and over, until one time my son had to yell to get my attention.    

Recently I had seveal days where I stuffed up my meds and on the third day when I got home from work, I completely broke down and lay bawling uncontrollably on the couch.  Hubby was going off to work and couldn't call in sick.  I didn't want to be alone and if I couldn't have him then I wanted my mum.  She came over and I think I completely freaked her out!  I freaked me out!!

I just remember the kids coming up to me and giving me soft, quiet cuddles.  I would hear "I love you mummy" and then say to my mum, "Mummy's sad."  My heart ached for the tears to stop.  I knew it was just a reaction to me stuffing up my meds.  I knew it would pass as soon as the right dosage kicked in, but in the meantime I couldn't stop crying and I just had to ride it out.  These feelings would pass.  I wasn't alone. My mum was here to make sure the kids (and I) got fed and bathed and loved.

Mum had never seen me like this before because I have always hid it from her.  She knew, but didn't really know.  This really opened her eyes and she has shown a lot more compassion and understanding about my depression now, which I hope will also pass on to my bipolar brother.  (again, another post!) 

I chop and change between which child to worry about which might get depression, though it may never happen because genetics alone isn't usually a factor.  I worry about my daughter the most because she is like me in so many ways even though she is only four.  She is loud and funny but can also be extremely shy (believe it or not I WAS once like this!) and extremely sensitive.  Then I look at my darling son and see how confident, resilient, yet sensitive he can be and I wonder....

My kids are normal.  I have to keep telling myself this.  Being sensitive does not lead to being depressed.  None of these traits do.  Yet, still I worry.

If we get to that bridge where one or both of my children become depressed, I know I will have a lifetime of experience to share with them.  I have my medical history all written out, including all my meds and other health issues.

I do think it is important for everyone to have your medical history written out for your children for future reference.  As a woman you get asked all about your family's medical history when you fall pregnant.  My depression was included in my file as a risk factor for Post Natal Depression (PND) along with blood pressure and diabetes.

When they are old enough I will sit down and talk about my depression and answer all their questions honestly and openly.  If I am going to pass this thing on, then they need to have all the information possible because after all, knowledge is power.

Image: David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I know that there will be more down episodes that we will go through because it is just as important to remember that depression affects everyone in the family.  The depressed person either doesn't recognise this in the middle of it, or if they do it causes further feelings of guilt or maybe even thoughts of ending one's life.  I am sad that my children have to see their mummy like this but I truly feel it is better to be open about it now and show them that you can have this illness but still be a strong, intelligent, functioning, successful person, that it doesn't have to be the end of the world. 

Until then, I keep my babies close, and I keep talking and writing.


Luv your currently happy,

Mummy in Disguise

                            xoxo