My rollercoaster ride...

After so many posts about mental health wellness and gratitude, I thought I would go a little personal today. 

I guess over the past few weeks, I didn't feel like I could go too personal on here as I was feeling some head spinny-close to the edge, might implode any minute kinda feelings that I couldn't really explain at the time.

I did try but I couldn't seem to get the emotional words out onto the page...I felt way to vulnerable and exposed, which is funny considering how much I have already shared about myself on this blog!


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So, why the emotional rollercoaster?

Well, I guess I was stressed out, tired, slightly cranky at a loved one (who shall remain nameless but now knows that I was feeling that way towards them and I think I can move on from that now - gotta let go eventually) and finally I was also probably doing too much - which isn't more than I normally do, just more than I can do when I am not in a great head space.

When I get this way, I ignore my own advice and tools to stay well.  I go all internal and have stupid fights with myself in my head about how to tackle the problem, about what someone said, did or didn't do.  It gets like world war three in there and makes me feel like I am being pulled in a million different directions.   

But is it really a problem?  Is it really as big as I am making it out to be in my head? 
Does anyone else do this? Blow little things out of proportion, give the problem or task more credit than it requires and therefore stress yourself out even more? 

I don't know why I do this... I am not good at recognising that I am doing it at the time either... I guess emotion and stress get in the way of seeing the blow out in progress.  I have read enough self help books and articles that tell you to ask yourself those questions:  Is it as big or important as it seems?  Is it really an issue? blah, blah, blah.  I am sure that if I remembered to ask myself those questions at the time I would be a whole lot better off, but I NEVER remember to do this!  EVER. 

Perhaps I do ask the questions subconsciously when I am on track, settled and coping with everything thrown at me.  I only realise this now as I type by the way.  When things are moving along swimmingly, I don't over think everything and it all seems to just get done.  I still get tired, but it is more of that physical, appropriate level of tiredness most people experience at the end of the day.  Not the constant exhaustion I am sure my DH is totally over!

I feel like I have turned a corner though. 

I feel like there has been a shift in the stars or something 'cos this week I have been able to tackle tasks and problems as they arise.  There is still much to do, but nothing that some planning (and being able to now legally work out of my home kitchen!) can't fix.

I have confronted the issue I had with my loved one.  Confronted sounds so harsh, but it was causing me some major head spin grief and a serious discussion was required.  I spent all of last week blowing things up in my head about this person, that a little acknowledgement from them would have made such a difference.  I think we both understand each other better now.... I hope.  The weight has lifted anyway.

The real turning point came last Friday night in the form of a car cry.  I LOVE a good car cry!  Best stress release EVER:)

As I drove from Cairns to Palm Cove on Friday afternoon to do a night market up there, I cried my little heart out.  I got so many funny looks from people driving past me too, so I was kinda laughing and crying at the same time in parts! 

I so needed it though.  I can't remember what triggered it, but it had been welling up in me all week and it needed to come out.  It was a big "present moment living' kind of acknowledgement to myself about what I was feeling.  I was able to swim to the surface take a deep breath and see what I had to let go of and what I had to take care of.  Letting go felt so good, finding the courage to take care of stuff and ask questions was hard but I am glad I did it.

So now, I am back to the kiddy coaster, cruising along having fun.  The big, scary, scream inducing emotional coaster ride is over for now.  Who knows when I will hop back on, hopefully not any time soon.

Take care of yourself friends,  and seriously give the car cry a go - though I do recommend to park and cry!  Drive and cry should only ever be undertaken as a last resort - not very road safe or OH&S of me to drive and cry but, when a girls gotta cry....;)

Yours from the kiddy coaster,

Mummy in Disguise
                                  xoxo