Thankful Thursday: Ode to the library....

This week I am grateful for the library.  I am sure I have mentioned that I love to read actual books - I haven't quite gotten into the Kindle / I Pad thing yet - mostly 'cos we just can't afford one at the moment! 

Anyway, the main library in our town is across the road from my work.  I go online and reserve the books that I want to read and pick them up from here when they are ready.

On the flip side...

To follow on from my post about Suicide and Suicidal thoughts last week, I thought I would write a little bit about the other side of the story.  You know.... the story from the perspective of the other people in your life. 

Now, I will eventually get someone from that side to of the issue to write for us all, to get a true perspective of this, but I wanted to share a story with you that became a real turning point for me....

I mentioned last week how I know that I don't really want to die, there are just thoughts in my head that

Thankful Thursday!

Morning Mummies and friends, it's Thankful Thursday time!!


There is so much to be grateful for but today I am particularly grateful for the gift of courage.

I agonised over writing my last post and very nearly did not hit the publish button.  I am so glad I did because I feel like a weight has been lifted and I can move on from it now.

Warning! Sensitive subject matter ahead.

The hardest post so far....

I have been wrangling with this post for a little while now.  I knew I would have to write it eventually, as it is a big part of my story so far and... well.... as tough as it is to discuss, which I haven't even done with many of my closest friends, I did promise to myself to share ALL of my experiences with this illness.

So, if you haven't guessed by now, I am talking about suicide.  So, as a warning before you continue reading, the following talks about the very sensitive topic of suicide and suicidal thoughts. 

Self Help Guru!

What am I looking for? ....

I've always been into self help - books, audio, classes, you name it.  I am big on learning and big on improving myself.  Especially when I always secretly thought that learning to become anyone else had to better than the person I am now...

I know I am not the only one out there that reads up on this sort of stuff.  C'mon, you can tell me.... 

The thing is, I didn't really have a plan about what I wanted to learn about and how I was going to implement these changes.   Then no sooner had I read one book, had I moved on to another with differing styles and ideas about self improvement. So I have all this info in my head and absolutely no motivation to use it at all....  


I am suffering from Self-help overload.  There is too much info, too many conflicting strategies and too much to change (IMHO) to even bother.... 

BUT, I have had an epiphany.  Wish I'd had it sooner, I may have saved myself a lot of heart ache!  Oh well, water under the bridge.....

So epiphany - right!  I need to KEEP IS SIMPLE STUPID!  Most people know the KISS method or have at least heard a manager say it at some point in their working life.  Well there is no reason it can't be applied to my real life.

I am always so busy doing a million little things for the kids, hubby, school, work, the business, other people, that life has become complicated.  Complication = stress.  Stress = overeating, lack of motivation, exercise, weight gain which sends me into a spiral in to the depths of darkness.
So, now with a renewed vigour and clarity I haven't had for a while, I have decided to focus my efforts on the main areas I need to work on; and keeping it simple with how I make changes:

• my stress levels and ability to cope with stress
• my diet
• exercise levels

I could include my sanity in general in the above short list, but there is more than one action to achieve relief from depression and everything on this list plus writing and regular visits to my doctors, will be the source of my hopeful success!

So.......

1.  Stress Levels

We all have to deal with stress.  I used to thrive on stressful situations and I used to cope very well in such situations.  I became the queen of last minute because I thought that the stress of meeting that deadline helped me to produce better work.  WRONG!

© Graphicphoto | Stock Free Images & Dreamstime Stock Photos

I now know that ongoing stress only sends me into a downward spiral to depression that lasts longer and longer each time I pay that place a visit.  Oh and let's not forget the emotional eating to ease the pain and forget about exercise, I am too damn tired honey!  Oh hello spare tyre, where did you come from?  NB this sentence should be read with extreme sarcasm!

So, how to ease my stresses? I have decided to give more time to deeper, more focused meditation.  I have played around with it a bit here and there, but I have trouble concentrating or sitting still for long periods unless I am reading a fantastic book but I have found a few websites and audios that I want to try out.  I will keep you posted about my success (or failure!) in this area. 

2.  My Diet.

We already eat a very low additive diet in our house and I am gluten intolerant.  So major changes had already been made in the last two years, but this does not guarantee weight loss.  Portion control is my nemesis.  I have 20kg to lose and I am a total yo-yo dieter.  I have lost weight before but it always creeps back on and I hit the heaviest I have ever been at the beginning of this year.  I set some pretty unrealistic goals which put pressure and stress on myself - see above about stress!

I recently read David Gillespie's "Sweet Poison - How Sugar is making you fat."  This book was such an eye opener for this yo-yo dieter - OMG!! 

So, I have cut out all processed sugars and any fruits/foods with excess fructose in it.  Now, it is my daughter's birthday on Saturday, followed by Mother's Day on Sunday, so I may allow myself some cake this weekend - the trick is to stop after one piece! 
To say this revelation is exciting is hardly adequate.  Since embarking on this, I am losing weight slowly and I feel like I have done nothing!  What amazes me most is that I am not craving food all the time like I used to.  I would constantly want to eat the house down.  It seemed like I was hungry or needed to eat ALL THE TIME.  Well I crave no more.  Will keep you posted on this one too.

3.  Exercise Levels

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I am not new to exercise.  I have danced, I have done the gym thing, I have walked a shit load and I love Zumba and I love Yoga. 

I want to get back into Yoga a lot more because I love how I feel after a class, so I have downloaded audio classes onto my MP3 from Yoga Download and aim to get in 3 classes a week. 

Then I just gotta keep moving more than I am, as in 10,000 steps a day style moving.  I don't think my current busy life can add too much more at this stage without inducing more stress so I will see how this goes for mow. 

So these are my goals for the rest of this year.  I will keep you posted on my progress and any other interesting bits of info I might find on the meditation and sugar thing in particular. 

I just want to stress that this blog isn't about my weight loss journey, but loosing weight and eating a healthy balanced diet, with the right fats, good lean protein and complex carbs should be part of anyone's therapy for depression.  You can't expect to feel good about yourself when you are stuffing your face full of greasy deep fried foods and cakes all the time.  This takes work, but from experience, it will be worth it in the end.  I just have to work on staying 20kg lighter forever, which by the way is the weight where I always had just another 5kgs to lose!!  I will never be the stick I used to be in high school!!!

Yours in blissful mindfulness,

Mummy in Disguise

                                     oxoxoxo

ps If you want to look at ways you can change your life and diet combined, I highly recommend reading Changing Habits by Cyndi O'Meara. We implemented alot of these common sense habits way back when we started to go low additive.  You may already be doing some of them now!

Another thankful Thursday...

I have been very busy this week with our family business AND work so I haven't been able to get online as often as I would normally.  Some would say this is good thing...

I couldn't miss Thankful Thursday though, so here I am and it is still Thursday!

In the spirit of Mother's Day this Sunday, I am grateful for my mum.  We have had a very busy week and she has stepped up and done a huge bulk of the work required to make sure orders got out and deadlines were met.  A few mistakes were made along the way, and frustration was felt by some - the pitfalls of working with family - but she has got us through to the other side and some.

My mum is a very hard worker and one of the strongest women I know.  She has had her fair share of trials and tribulations, but she always holds her head up and just gets on with it.  Our relationship isn't always rosy, but now that I have children of my own, I appreciate her a lot more and I told her as much today.

So thanks mum!!

Who or what are you grateful for today?  I would love to hear what other people are grateful for in their lives, so please share...

Mummy's sad....

My biggest fear, besides drowning or being the victim of a tidal wave (don't ask!) is that I will pass my genetic predisposition to depression on to my children.  There is much mental illness in my family so saying "My family is crazy" could actually apply, but that is for a post all on it's own (much love to my funny, gorgeous family xoxoxo).

Image: David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I vaguely remember times when I have been so down and distracted with all the crap going on in my head that I would snap so forcefully at the kids and my husband for the tiniest, most insignificant thing, that the kids would recoil in fear.  This would break my heart but not enough to snap me out of it.  I was so angry that I would just YELL and YELL all the time.  The kids didn't understand and I don't know if my hubby has ever told them anything to explain my behaviour, but nothing can ever excuse it, not even depression.  I felt like the worst mother in the world.   

I can get pretty distracted at these times too, that roles reverse.  Every parent knows the annoyance of repeating yourself over and over to get a child to do the simplest thing.  Well the kids would be asking me a question and mentally I was somewhere else completely.  They would keep asking, over and over, until one time my son had to yell to get my attention.    

Recently I had seveal days where I stuffed up my meds and on the third day when I got home from work, I completely broke down and lay bawling uncontrollably on the couch.  Hubby was going off to work and couldn't call in sick.  I didn't want to be alone and if I couldn't have him then I wanted my mum.  She came over and I think I completely freaked her out!  I freaked me out!!

I just remember the kids coming up to me and giving me soft, quiet cuddles.  I would hear "I love you mummy" and then say to my mum, "Mummy's sad."  My heart ached for the tears to stop.  I knew it was just a reaction to me stuffing up my meds.  I knew it would pass as soon as the right dosage kicked in, but in the meantime I couldn't stop crying and I just had to ride it out.  These feelings would pass.  I wasn't alone. My mum was here to make sure the kids (and I) got fed and bathed and loved.

Mum had never seen me like this before because I have always hid it from her.  She knew, but didn't really know.  This really opened her eyes and she has shown a lot more compassion and understanding about my depression now, which I hope will also pass on to my bipolar brother.  (again, another post!) 

I chop and change between which child to worry about which might get depression, though it may never happen because genetics alone isn't usually a factor.  I worry about my daughter the most because she is like me in so many ways even though she is only four.  She is loud and funny but can also be extremely shy (believe it or not I WAS once like this!) and extremely sensitive.  Then I look at my darling son and see how confident, resilient, yet sensitive he can be and I wonder....

My kids are normal.  I have to keep telling myself this.  Being sensitive does not lead to being depressed.  None of these traits do.  Yet, still I worry.

If we get to that bridge where one or both of my children become depressed, I know I will have a lifetime of experience to share with them.  I have my medical history all written out, including all my meds and other health issues.

I do think it is important for everyone to have your medical history written out for your children for future reference.  As a woman you get asked all about your family's medical history when you fall pregnant.  My depression was included in my file as a risk factor for Post Natal Depression (PND) along with blood pressure and diabetes.

When they are old enough I will sit down and talk about my depression and answer all their questions honestly and openly.  If I am going to pass this thing on, then they need to have all the information possible because after all, knowledge is power.

Image: David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I know that there will be more down episodes that we will go through because it is just as important to remember that depression affects everyone in the family.  The depressed person either doesn't recognise this in the middle of it, or if they do it causes further feelings of guilt or maybe even thoughts of ending one's life.  I am sad that my children have to see their mummy like this but I truly feel it is better to be open about it now and show them that you can have this illness but still be a strong, intelligent, functioning, successful person, that it doesn't have to be the end of the world. 

Until then, I keep my babies close, and I keep talking and writing.


Luv your currently happy,

Mummy in Disguise

                            xoxo
  

Thankful Thursdays!

Gratitude.  The most successful technique I use to help keep a positive mindset.  Oprah recommends it, she's even started a game for it on Facebook! 

So it must work, right?  Yes - but only if you keep it up. 

When I am at my lowest, I aim to write in my gratitude journal every day; however I find that during the good times I don’t physically have the time to do this, but I don’t stop, I just keep it up once a week and more if I need to. 

I find that when I do stop writing, usually because I feel so good, I end up right back where I started. So I need to treat this as important as I do medication and therapy or any other techniques that work for me. 

So, I thought we could keep the good vibes flowing with Thankful Thursdays.

Don’t worry about how corny you might think yours is, or if it is really short or five paragraphs long.  It is the process of being grateful that is important.  Feel good hormones are released that can keep you going all day.

I read a post on Facebook the other day that said:

“It is not happy people that are grateful.  It is grateful people that are happy.”

I love this because it shows the power that gratitude can have over your state of mind. 

Never tried it before?  Give it a go and let me know how you progress over the weeksJ

I am Grateful...

I hurt my arm last week and I have been having difficulty breathing, sneezing etc.  At first I felt extremely sad and sorry for myself, especially when the Doctor told me it could take six weeks to heal, but I have been able to turn this around into a positive.  This injury has forced me to slow down a little bit.  I was unable to do both days of market stalls I was scheduled to do over the weekend, which meant a day of rest at home with my family on Saturday and a day spent with my mother helping me on Sunday.  I am grateful that my injury has helped me to slow down and really see the things going on around me more clearly.  I am grateful for the extra rest I was able to get – and clearly needed!  It isn’t often that I get to truly turn a negative into a positive like this, so thank you universe!

What are you grateful for this week?

Mummy in Disguise

                              xoxo

Who do you know?

Everyone knows someone that has or has had depression at some stage in their life.  It is normal for us to feel down or sad at times on our life.  You may have had a friend go through Post Natal Depression, or experience depression through grief after the loss of a loved one or even a job.  You may know someone who is very obviously depressed, where they are very sad, low and negative, even when good things happen. 

Or you may know someone like me where you wouldn't know it to look at them... but underneath all that normality is a sad, sad person.

I am generally a happy, boisterous, loud, laugh at life kind of person.  I can feel good when good things happen.  I like to socialise and be a part of the community.  I like to help others: vent, celebrate, solve a problem, plan revenge (nah not really!), fundraise, cook, you name it - except move furniture!

I find it extremely difficult to say "No".  I am a very capable person, so of course I can take it all on.  Right?!?  Who says I can't? Let me at 'em!

Now with age, medication and a husband who can sometimes see my limits better than me, I have learnt to step back and say 'No".  I have said 'No' to a few things over the past 18 months.  I have also said 'Yes' and then had to go back and say 'No' after further thought.  I have also learned not to feel guilty about it and realise that if you explain, most good people will understand.

Each bout of depression I go through seems to be getting worse with age.  I can't explain it, neither can my doc.  I used to have experiences that would trigger a new spiral downwards, but these days the obvious triggers are less and less.  I don't seem to recognise what is happening anymore to be able to pull myself back before I get too deep. 

Suddenly I wake up in such a dark place it's like my eyes are still shut.  This is exactly what my last bout was like.  I truly felt like all of a sudden I was really low and heavy.  I had no explanation for why I could possibly be there this time.  BUT after talking with my Doc, I have realised that it was probably a long time coming, except this time I was reacting rather then experiencing a trigger. 

Some people experience, some react, some do both.   I am now one of the latter.  Oh the Joys!

Do you know what your triggers are? 
If you have a partner with Depression, do you know their triggers? 

If you or someone you know may be experiencing depression, check out the symptoms I have listed on the Learn about Depression page on this blog.  If it is you, please TALK to your GP.  If it's someone you know, please talk to them or contact one of the awesome organisations listed in  Important Links for information on how to help your friend. 

Me & My Disguise...

Welcome to Mummy in Disguise, a page where I talk openly about my life with depression and share my journey with whoever would like to come along for the ride!

Last year I started a blog called Gluten Free Learner but sadly I didn't get past the first post!  While this was a great topic for me to write about being newly diagnosed as gluten intolerant, the information was overwhelming for me to process, let alone write about.  I also had so many other things going on my life at the time that it was decided for me by the universe that it really wasn't the right time and topic for me to blog about. I rushed into blogging without a plan or any knowledge about what I was doing and bombed! 

I didn't stop thinking about writing or blogging though...I just had to find the right topic...something I already knew about or experienced often... something I am already writing about personally perhaps?

I have been living with depression since I was roughly 18 years old.  I am now 35 and while I appear to most to be a highly functioning, competant, happy-go-lucky, contributing member of society, I have actually hidden my illness from most people in my life, bar a select few.  It is only recently that I have started being more vocal about my illness and as I thought more about what I would or could really write about online, I realised that it was my illness that I was most "expert" in.

So why "Mummy in Disguise"?

Well, firstly I am a mum.  Secondly, hiding my illness has always felt like I was wearing a mask to cover up the sadness; like I was in "disguise" to maintain the personality that I felt was expected of me.

Now, the happy part of my personality is not fake, I just didn't feel that I could ever really show the true depths of my sadness and darkness, especially as I couldn't really explain why I felt so depressed and overwhelmed with life.  Also, I don't ALWAYS feel this way, I am able to feel and experience truly happy moments in my life.  I don't spend days in bed unable to face the world, unable to function - I don't fit into that category.  

When I put on that disguise though, I do so somewhat as a form of survival and also as a way of avoiding those feelings.

Copyright © Paulus Rusyanto (FreePictures.me)

I don't have time to be depressed, especially now with children!  I have always had too much to do, too many expectations to fill and too much pressure on myself to be the fun, happy, capable and reliable person I have always been.

I didn't keep my illness a total secret, but I didn't shout it from the roof tops either, and I certainly didn't reveal the extent to which I was depressed.  I had cultivated this disguise and I was keeping up appearances.  I also felt I would be a failure to admit to everyone that I wasn't coping, that I needed help.  I am the girl that can fix other people's problems, why can't I fix my own? 

Well now it is time to admit to the disguise.  My closest friends know that I have depression.  Some are shocked about the extent of my sadness.  Others will be shocked by this revelation full stop. 

Most now accept and try to understand, but I still have a way to go with MYSELF. 

I hope my blog can be a place for people to come and talk about their depression openly and honestly.  This is never an easy road for anyone to travel, but supporting each other can make it easier for some people and even if I can help one other person along the way, then writing about my journey so publicly will definitely be worth it.  

I also want to bust through the stigma and labels surrounding people with depression and mental illness, which is why so many of us wear masks in the first place.  If we can get people talking about all the different types of depression and how it doesn't discriminate, how it can affect anyone at any time, then hopefully we can create a more accepting and understanding society where we can feel safe to live with our illness without fear of judgement or intolerance.  I hope we can at least try.     

Thanks for reading,

Mummy in Disguise 
                             xoxo

P.S:  If you are one of the many that suffer from depression in it's various forms, or know of someone that is suffering, please feel free to follow my blog and share your story.  I will do my best to weed out the trolls - sadly there are always trolls about.  The best thing we can do is ignore those comments and not take them personally - god bless the delete button:)

For more information or help with counselling, please contact any one of these organisations:
Lifeline
Beyond Blue
Sane Australia