Life got good...so write about that!

Well hello there!

Is my little blog as dead as this plant?

Yeeesss, I know it's been a while, and yeeesss, I know I've been quite neglectful...

I didn't even tell anyone I was leaving...  I just stopped.

Sorry bout that...  Happy New Year?

I did try to write.
I did try to scale the giant wall in front of me, but said wall seemed to reach endlessly up into the sky, with no summit in sight.



There were words floating around in my head.  There were even a few ideas.  I even did a post on my lack of artistic expression a while back.

And still the words were trapped.  They seemed to be floating around aimlessly in the smoky haze of my brain, searching for cohesion, tempered by distraction.  It got to the point where I actually couldn't be bothered to try anymore.  (yeaaaah... sorry bout that)


So I gave myself time.  (A shit load apparently.)

Bloody thing just never ends....

I read more books.
I spent time with my family.
I spent time with friends.
I meditated.
I got out in nature.
I worked.
I got creative for work.
I watched a lot of bad TV.
I started my own business.
I moved house AGAIN.  (Don't ask!)

You know, all that normal life stuff.

And still the words were trapped.

It wasn't that I didn't have anything to write about, one's ability to write is always present.

I think it was more that I didn't have much to write - about depression.  I wasn't sad.  In fact, most of the time I was quite happy and content.  I did have a few near misses but nothing like sliding down that slippery slope of darkness and despair.

And there it is,  right in front of me - the problem was that I didn't want to write about my happiness on this blog.  I felt like I might be rubbing it in people's faces if I went on and on about how happy and blessed I am.  I thought it would turn people off to hear about all the happy, settled, stable stuff going on in my life.

And none of it was in disguise either!  I wasn't using my "happy face" to hide the darkness.  I can say this with absolute certainty because those near misses I mentioned earlier - when they appeared, I actually TALKED about it.... WITH OTHER PEOPLE!!  Yes, you read right!  I kept it all out there, in the open, thereby not giving myself a chance to slide down that slope...

But I digress....

...I didn't want to discuss or express happiness on my blog about depression.  I was only supposed to write about depression "stuff" right?!?!?

Well the truth about depression is that, for a lot of people, there are many faces to depression.

And periods of happiness is one of those faces.

It's either the face that we are trying to keep hold of, or the face that we are searching for when it's been lost for such a long time.  Or it's the face we hate cos we just can't fucking feel it.

Happiness is, after all, the ultimate life achievement these days, isn't it?!!

It's what we want for our children.
It's what our parents wanted for us. (oooh, there's a blog post topic right there!)

So I'm now over not writing about my happiness folks.  I've got such a good handle on my illness at the moment that it is genuine happiness and contentment with a sprinkling of sadness, rather than deep, dark, scary sorrow with the lightest sprinkling of happy-ish moments.

I am proud of that switcheroo by the way - it has taken a loooong time to get here.  I have never settled into happiness and contentment before like I did in 2013.    

I Googled "Epic" and got LOTS of big boobs - and this kid!

And I am going to write about that.

None of this means that I am "cured" either - I am still on meds after all!!!  I am just currently residing on the nicer side of my illness, yet somewhere deep in the back of my mind I still (probably always will) wonder when the next fall will be...  I think of it less often now, but it's still there.  

Wow, it's a bit of a relief to admit all of this.  Very liberating.

Look out, 2014 is going to be EPIC!!

Yours in eagerness to get on with it,


            Mummy in Disguise 
                                           xoxo