A few weeks ago I was listening to a motivational speaker who was talking about the idea of self sabotage and how this may be what stalls our affirmations and positive thinking.
It was such a light bulb moment for me. I am constantly sabotaging my diet. Constantly. I get really great and it's clean and healthy and I am making good choices and happy with where I am, then BAM, I need that
chocolate. Or I NEED that extra sausage on my plate. Or I NEED to eat the wheat bread instead of the gluten free bread in the freezer, 'cos it tastes so good and I'll do better tomorrow. Then all of a sudden the whole day becomes a write off!
I thought maybe I just lacked will power, maybe I wasn't strong enough to do this. BOLLOCKS. I've done it before, I can do it again, but this time is forever (sound familiar to anyone out there?)
The speaker posed a few questions...
1. "What do you stand to gain if you succeed at your desired goal?"
2. "What do you stand to lose if you succeed at your desired goal?"
Well, what will I gain? My optimal weight and size, my health, longevity, strength. The positives are fabulous, surely there is nothing to lose?
Ha! Not so fast missy.... A fleeting thought entered my head as I walked home to put pen to paper. NO, surely I can't be thinking this STILL? A knot formed in my tummy, but I pushed the thought away.
Back at home, sitting in my peaceful little meditation space, I posed the questions to myself again:
If I were to succeed with my weight loss, what would I gain? What would I lose?
I would gain health, wellbeing, the ability to be a good role model and see my kids grow up.
I would lose??? Here's the A-ha moment people: if I succeed in losing 20kg this year, then I lose my way out. OH...
...i.e. if I continue on this path of self-sabotage, I don't get any better. I potentially get worse, maybe fatter. Maybe I get really sick. Maybe I get really, really sick..... and die.....dying, therefore, is my way out...
OH FUCK:(
I can't tell you how long I sat there reading those words over and over. The realisation was like a stab in the heart...
I thought I was in a good place, happy and content with my life? Life is so precious and I want to live dammit! I want to be here - I have so much to do and be!
BUT, I guess this script has been running in my head for such a long time, maybe it has been hanging out there in the background waiting to resurface when I start to slide down that slippery slope again - assuming of course that I do ever slide down that slope again...
The next part of the exercise was to accept that you think or feel this way, so that you can move past it, or move forward towards your goals with greater awareness of what has been holding you back.
Well, how on earth do you align yourself with the fact that you want to die, when you are trying to live a life that is full, with hope and promise for the future?
I needed space from this, so I meditated. I didn't think I would be able to clear my head enough to meditate, but I did a mantra/affirmation meditation with the words: I am safe, I am strong, I am love. Repeating these words over for 20 mins brought about feelings of comfort, peace, warmth, and certainty.
I was certain I would overcome this negative script, now that I was aware it was still hanging around. I was certain that accepting the existence of this feeling meant that I was completely aware of the reasons for my self sabotage and I could face it every time I was tempted with food to fill some void within me. I was also certain that I don't really want to die, I wasn't looking for a way out of this lifetime, NOR DO I NEED ONE!
That was what I was most certain about - I no longer NEED that script running in my head!!!! I see a bright future ahead, with success and more importantly love and family, security, comfort and happiness. I have the tools at my disposable to make all this a reality, and I am excited about life and the future again.
It is a possibility that one day I may feel myself slipping down to the depths again, but I know how to pick myself up and I know that I am surrounded by people who will help me find my way out of the darkness.
Since that day, I have come a long way. With so much good and positive to focus on in my life, I feel that script being drowned out more and more every day. I am sure that soon it will stop all together, because I don't need it anymore.
I tell myself all day, everyday, that I love and approve of myself, that I love life and life loves me (thank you Louise L. Hay) and I get on with it. I am still working on the self sabotage, but I see great improvements in that department and I am committed to my goal - no matter how long it takes.
Yours in complete awareness,
Mummy in Disguise
xoxo
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